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pride or confidence. There, I've said it. If I've upset anybody, it's too bad. I don't
care. I'm controversial! I'm a rebel!
the chapter of apologies
I didn't mean any of that. Who could not like puppies and kitties and ice cream and
trees and soft things that are yellow? You would have to be a monster, a cold,
heartless monster, born with no feelings! Wait a minute, I suppose it's good to
have strong opinions and voice them. What's wrong with people expressing their
opinions? We all should have that right. Freedom of speech! Freedom of
expression! Obviously we can't all like the same things. That would be boring and
it would create a nightmare for grocery shopping. Let's say everyone only liked
vanilla ice cream, and that's the only flavor that was sold. We'd all be fighting over
the last container of vanilla ice cream or they'd be out of it all the time. We'd all
wear the same thing every day, like we were in Catholic school. We would be like
robots, programmed to think and feel the way someone decided was the "right
way." What is the "right way?" I like that we're all different. I want us to be
different.
Me, I love cats, and I don't understand when people say they hate cats. I just
think they've made a blanket judgment about all cats because they don't know a
cat, or they met one bad cat with an attitude. I guess as long as people don't harm
anything or anyone, they have the right to hate anything, but really, it's a shame
to waste that kind of energy on hate. It's such a negative and draining emotion.
Also, you're shutting yourself out of a possible opportunity to grow in some new
area, to try to understand something that up until now you haven't understood. I'll
tell you right now, I can't stand pepper but I don't begrudge people putting it on
their chicken. If they want to ruin a perfectly good cordon bleu, then let them.
You may still find you don't like cats (What's not to like?), but you don't have to
hate them. You can say, "I don't understand cats, but I appreciate their existence."
What I'd really like to express is, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry I pretended for three
paragraphs in the last chapter that I disliked defenseless, beautiful, soft, and
yellow things (which could be baby ducks).
So, in closing, I don't have a problem with controversy. I only wish the word we
used was different.
dear diary
February 28,
Dear Diary,
My thirty-five-city Here and Now stand-up tour starts in a week. I've decided that I
should keep a journal to chronicle my adventures on the road. I tried to keep one
on my last tour but I didn't have the discipline. Not this time. This time Diary, I
vow to write in you every day, even though I have a huge problem finishing things
I start. It seems to me that
March 3,
Dear Diary,
I've been working out my act at a few clubs around Los Angeles. Last night went
great. Of course, at this stage of the process I haven't memorized anything, so I'm
still reading off notes I've written all over my hands. The audience didn't seemto
mind. Even though I started out every joke with "Hands sure are funny, aren't
they?" while staring intently at my palms&
March 7,
Dear Diary,
I leave in two days, so I guess it's time for me to think about what I'm going to
bring. When I'm on tour I usually travel with about fifteen steamer trunks. The
hardest part is figuring out what I'll wear for each show. Should I wear a pair of
pants? Or should I wear pants instead? I weigh the options. Pants? Or pants? Then
I realize I'm usually most comfortable onstage in pants. Still, bringing along some
pants is probably a good idea. Just in case I change my mind &
March 8,
Dear Diary,
I'm going to stop writing "Dear Diary" at the beginning of each entry. There's no
need for it. I'm just writing to myself. I suppose I could begin with "Dear Ellen,"
but then it would be as if I've got a second personality with the same name and
personality as my main personality. Anyway, spent most of my day working on my
act. Getting my material just right for an audience takes a lot of serious
preparation, so I practiced my routine in front of my cats. They always have pages
and pages of notes for me. The critiques usually focus on why there aren't more
jokes about cats in my act. Why don't I have a "Phone Call to a Cat" joke or a
"What if Gloria Estefan Was a Cat" bit? I try to explain to them that my audience
does not usually consist of cats, but they feel that I'm limiting myself. Maybe
they're right. You know what they say about a cat's intuition & or is it the nine
lives of a good woman?
I've also decided to learn about each city I'm visiting on my tour. It's so important
to connect with the crowds at my shows. When I take the stage I want to say more
than just: "It's great to be here in (insert your city here)!" With the intensive
research I've been doing, I'll be able to open with: "Hello, Kansas City! Did you
know that your annual relative humidity is 60%? You guys ROCK!!"
March 9 Luther Burbank Center, Santa Rosa, Calif.
Well, I've finally hit the road. I just finished up two shows in Santa Rosa,
California. Both performances were sold out! I was so excited when I heard. I was
afraid I was going to have to take a bullhorn to the mall and give the tickets away.
Since I didn't have to, I had more time to shower and change before the show.
Speaking of which, my act is really starting to take shape. The best part was that
the audience was definitely laughing with me and not at me. Like the time I
performed with my oxford shirt on backwards by mistake. You'd think someone
would have told me before I went on.
The staff at Luther Burbank Center was so accommodating. The theater had a very
nice greenroom. "Greenroom" is a fancy showbiz term for a backstage waiting
area. It's not actually green. But no one dares ever mention that. Not if they want
tokeep their jobs. The room was appointed with my few simple requirements: just
a big bathroom, a comfy couch, and a kiln, in case I want to calm my preshow
jitters by fashioning an urn.
March 11 Capitol Theatre, Yakima, Wash.
I was a little nervous about performing in Yakima. It's a pretty small town. Very
quaint. I didn't know if they'd accept a city girl like me, coming in with all my fancy
city ways my highlighted hair, my constant use of the word "barista," my subway
tokens. I couldn't have been more wrong. The people of Yakima ("Yakimites," as I
now call them) were so warm and kind and polite. And they love to laugh. I'm now
putting Yakima on my list of top ten favorite cities along with Paris and Rome.
March 14 Kansas City, Mo.
Arrived in Kansas City late last night. Checked in to my hotel under my usual alias,
"Nelle Sereneged," but the hotel clerk wasn't fooled by my little charade. He said,
"But Miss Degeneres, that's just your name backwards." With my cover blown, I
hastily checked in as Gwyneth Paltrow, only to notice Gwyneth waiting to check in
right behind me. What are the odds?!
March 18 Grand Junction and Colorado Springs, Colo.
I loved performing at Kansas City's Midland Theater, a beautiful old building built in
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