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think I have a third ball or my penis is shaped like a horseshoe.
My penis is fine! I shout.
Might as well put that out there before she gets any funny ideas. She doesn t even bat an eye at
my outburst, just folds her hand in her lap and smiles at me.
You have a real connection with your penis, is that correct?
Is this really happening right now?
Um, well, it IS connected to my body, so yes. I m sort of connected to it.
She just smiles at me again and then points to my shirt. I was referring to your shirt.
I glance down and realize I m wearing one that says: I puffy heart my penis. Let me show you
why.
I think I can sense what the root of the problem is here. You two just had a baby not that long
ago. Sometimes it s difficult for couples to connect again after something this life altering happens.
What we need to do is get you two to connect.
Okay, I take it back. This woman might be a genius. If she can get my wife to connect with me
at the pelvis, I will buy myself a pair of Birkenstocks and sit under a black light with her, smoking
pot.
Jenny, I d like you to do something for me. Turn your body on the couch so that you are facing
your husband.
Jenny does as she s told, pulling her legs up onto the couch and sitting Indian style.
Okay, now, Jenny, I want you to look down at your husband s penis and tell it you love it.
Jenny hesitates and looks at Dr. Madison questioningly.
Do not question the good doctor! Do as she says!
It s alright, Jenny. This will be good for both of you. Talk to the penis.
Jenny slowly turns back to me and stares right down at my lap.
Um, I love you.
Very good, Jenny! Now, I want you to apologize to the penis for taking it for granted, Dr.
Madison explains kindly.
I wonder if she ll tell Jenny to suck the penis next. And if so, should I ask the good doctor to
leave or stay?
Uh, I m sorry for taking you for granted, Jenny says while still staring at my lap.
Excellent! Okay, Drew, now it s your turn, Dr. Madison states.
I don t even hesitate. I love you penis! You are the best guy ever! No, seriously. You never
let me down, you re always up when I need you to be, and I apologize for some of those issues we
had back in college that required antibiotics, I say to my penis.
I look up at Dr. Madison, quite proud of myself for being such a team player with this whole
therapy nonsense.
That was very nice, Drew. But what I really wanted you to do was talk to Jenny s vagina,
she explains.
Well alrighty then.
Figuring I might as well be comfortable for this, I curl up on the couch and rest my head on
Jenny s thigh. I love you too, vagina. I miss you like a hooker misses her virginity. True story.
Why have you done me wrong, Boo? Why is there such a distance between us? Remember when we
used to hang out every day? Now I barely see you once a month. You ve changed, vagina. I hate to
say this, but you have. You re a different person now, and it s like I don t even know you. I thought
maybe you were hanging around with a different crowd of people and they influenced you against me.
Maybe we re just growing apart. I don t want to lose you, vagina! I need you like I need air to
breathe and football on Sundays. I just can t quit you, vagina!
I realize when I finish that the room is eerily quiet. I lift my head from Jenny s leg and see both
women staring at me with their mouth s open. Okay, so I had cried a little. Sue me. This is
emotional shit. This doctor is getting to the heart of all of our problems. My penis and Jenny s
vagina.
Um, that was& uh, unexpected, Dr. Madison states.
I sit up fully on the couch and grab a Kleenex from the side table and blow my nose.
Wow, that felt really good, I say, rolling my shoulders and stretching my neck from side to
side. It feels like a weight has been lifted. My mind is clear and I feel so free. What should we do
next?
Dr. Madison looks down at the notepad in her lap and flips a few pages. Well, I think you
have made some great progress, Drew. We just need to get Jenny where you are. Jenny, when was
the last time you hugged your womb?
Hugged my room? I don t get it, Jenny says, confused.
No, your womb. The place where you gave life to your two children, Dr. Madison explains.
Uh, can I do that here? Shouldn t that be done in a real doctor s office with a table and
stirrups? I don t think I can reach it otherwise. Unless you have a mirror and maybe a flashlight.
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